Themes of my life.

I don't know if things really happen "for a reason" but certainly everything in our lives can be a lesson if we take the opportunity.

I woke up this morning (Saturday) at 6:15, my weekday wake up time if I have no morning practice. I couldn't get back to sleep. My thoughts were not racing but pressing. The last three weeks have been ...... I don't know the word but I think I might overuse the word remarkable in this entry. So much of it ties together into one coherent lesson. I've spent the morning reflecting on it all. It was emotional and tearful but almost entirely uplifting.

After practice last night, I went to dinner with Peter and we had a singularly ..... conversation, or I should say, set of conversations. We talked about our lowest lows and our highest highs and everything in between. He said a few things that had a massive impact on me. One comment was about the positive people in his life, another two were actually about my life. It's remarkable how similar our lows and highs are. In fact, it made it difficult to distinguish sometimes when we were talking about him and when we were talking about me.

Peter has been blown away and yet buoyed by the people who have come out of the woodwork to support him during this crisis. I guess I'm one of them. I told him that this was a testament to him, although I know that he sees that. I remember saying the same thing to Kevin once. Not about a crisis but just in general about like seeking like. If you have great respect for the people who choose to make you part of their lives, that must reflect positively on you.

And despite the fact I was really trying to be there to support him, Peter was reflecting deeply on my experiences that I related to him. With all the things he has to think about in his own life! Peter made some insightful and respectful comments about my parents. I had mentioned that Dion and I do want to start having children soon. There was a short pause in the conversation while we actually ate and after the pause Peter stayed on that topic. He said that he was really happy to hear that we would someday be parents. It was so geniune. It's one of the purest compliments I've had in my life.

This conversation has me thinking about the people in my life. How it reflects well on me that they are in my life. The people who were there for me when I was having hard times. If my life were a novel, it would hinge on the characters, both major and minor.

Those of you who know of the craziness of my childhood and adolescence will not be surprised that one of my greatest fears has been social and emotional dependence. I was the strong one. That was my identity. I got a lot of positive reinforcement for it. I wasn't old or mature enough to recognise or to have meaningful peer support. I learned to depend on number one because everyone around had just enough strength to keep themselves together. It was a very effective coping strategy for dealing with adversity, which is another theme of this entry.

In my early twenties, I came to understand the error of being an island. Not only could I trust people, but to do so was the surest path to a rich life. At the time, I called it giving myself permission to experience the full range of life's experiences and emotions. It was really about permission to shed the role of the strong one. To be vulnerable is to be strong.

There was a meta-reflection in my morning's introspection. Mentally, I listed the people I would like to talk to about my meditation. There are so many people I can turn to. It made me feel proud to have these positive people in my life. Trust me, I have my insecurities, but I'm not going to write too much about them today. It's too easy to focus on the bad instead of the good.

The one thing I've always known is that the true measure of a relationship is how you feel about yourself because of the other person. Many people have made me feel good about myself in profound but subtle ways. I bet many of them don't even know it or what it was they did… small comments that have stuck. Usually, it comes down to a compliment on my character from someone I respect. Peter, Rob Ho, Kern, Dan Vranesic, and Mr. Gledhill have made some of those comments.

Those of you who have been reading my blog recently will know that coaching has been a theme of the last few weeks of my life. Naturally, I've been thinking about my own coaches. I catch myself consciously and unconsciously modelling myself after Kristine Drakich. It makes me proud. Kristine Drakich was my volleyball coach at U of T and one of the biggest influences in my adult life. I admire her accomplishments and character tremendously, which makes it so powerful that she let me (and all of her athletes) know that she valued us. Not just as competitors but also as complex, flawed, whole human beings. She told me once that one of the things she recognised and valued in me was my ability to deal with adversity. I certainly had a lot of practice with it in my youth. One Christmas, Kristine bought a little porcelain angel for each of us and wrote a small note on its tag. She wrote that I should be proud of my development as a player and that I would some day be an excellent coach. For that to come from her was another of the purest compliments I'll ever receive.

I've always felt lucky in my life… born in Canada, healthy, satisfying careers (including being a student), middle class privilege, good friends, Dion. Dion's dad always says that you've got to be good to be lucky. I wonder what it means to be good at life. I think that dealing well with adversity is a big part of it. I hope I can teach that to some of my students and athletes.

Yesterday, one of my students was visibly upset when I returned her test. This is a kid who has it going on. She is very intelligent, hardworking, considerate, chooses excellent friends. She did fine, very well even. But she was almost inconsolable. I led her to my office across the hall so that she could regroup in privacy. She wasn't upset about the marks although lots of kids, especially Grade 12s, are. She was upset because she made so many mistakes on the easy things. Her identity is draped in being perfect. That will sound familiar to some of you. She's got it going on but there is one thing missing - dealing well with adversity.

I need a transition paragraph here but I'm worn out. Let's skip to the end.

When I was about 10, I couldn't sleep one night. I was thinking about mortality. Death is another theme in my life's novel. My mother consoled me that night and taught me about her thoughts on the meaning of life. She told me that when you die, there's nothing left of you on Earth except the effect you've had on other people. Almost everyone in my life has had a positive effect on me. I owe many people thanks for it.

What a week!

It started well enough. On Monday (Thanksgiving), I got a fair bit of lesson-planning and volleyball planning done for the week, which was good, as the remainder of the week will make evident.

Tuesday, I found out that the coach of the senior boys' vball team, Peter, is starting a personal leave that could last a little while. So, I have adopted his team until he's back. I have lot of mixed feelings about it.
1. It made my week a bit hectic. I had an unexpected lunchtime practice to run on Tuesday and I had to run the junior and senior boys' practices simultaneously on Thursday and Friday morning - talk about frenetic.
2. I love these kids. It is a really special group. They've always been wonderful to me and to the junior boys team too.
3. It's quite an undeserved privilege to be part of their team.
4. But mostly, the responsibility has made me feel quite insecure. There are high expectations for this team. The goal is getting to OFSAA. Yes, I'm pretty knowledgeable about volleyball but I'm a rookie coach. We've all had knowledgeable profs, right? How am I going to manage the transition to a new (but possibly temporary) coach? Can I do both teams justice?
5. This insecurity is probably a good thing for me. I know that you have to stretch outside your comfort zone to grow. But does my growth come at the expense of a great bunch of kids?

This has been occupying my thoughts. That and I'm sick with worry for Peter.

Plus a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, is going through a rough patch that has had me reflecting on some of the tougher times in my life and in my family.

Thank goodness both volleyball teams won their matches Tuesday night. The senior game was really good. It was 16-14 in the third. York Mills' record isn't as good as ours but they definitely showed up to play. The juniors did well too. They won 2-0 and adapted well to my introducing a libero into the lineup.

Wednesday, was the toughest day of the week. I hardly slept, found out that I had messed up some paperwork with the main office, endured a seemingly endless staff meeting, had to run to make the bus for our away games, rode a school bus after the game that took us in the wrong direction to the wrong school in rush hour, and forgot my backpack (containing my lesson plans, school keys, and wallet) in the other school's gym. The boys were very sweet about my backpack. I guess I got quiet for a while after asking them to check under their seats for my bag because one player asked me if I was sad about my bag. I was a little distressed because I knew what a nuisance it was going to be. Another player asked if I was going to be able to get into my house.

Wednesday wasn't all bad though. The seniors won 2-0 and the juniors played so well against one of the best teams in the division that I keet forgetting that we didn't win, although we almost did. Also, by the time I got home (7:30) the caretakers from the other school had responded to my voice mail. They had the bag and I could come any time before ten get it. Also, Ian happened to be in town for work and we got caught up while he drove me up to the Allen and Sheppard to recover my bag, all contents entact.

On Thursday and Friday, I learned that I wasn't the only one having a tough week. A bunch of teachers at the school found this week hard despite Monday's holiday. Anyway, I made it.

Friday after work, we curled. I can't believe how well it went. Considering that this is my first year skipping and that between Ann, Steve, and Dion, they had one game of previous experience, we did extremely well. The main thing is there were few etiquette breeches and we got in 7 ends with a little time to spare. We stole one in the first and three in the second. We had four on the board so I felt relaxed the whole time. We couldn't get bagelled. We even scored one more in the seventh. The final score was 7-5.

Ian's being in town was very convenient because I got rides to and from Ottawa for my cousin Jennifer's wedding. It was a very nice wedding and I also learned that my cousin John and his wife, Sophie, are expecting in mid-May. Congratulations!

BOOKS. On the ride home from Ottawa, I read Night by Elie Wiesel. It's a short (just over 100 pages) first-had account of a Nazi concentration camp survivor. Extremely compelling. I don't know if such heavy material was the best choice but I told a student I would read it and discuss it with her tomorrow. I also told my Gr 12 Physics class that I would return some labs tomorrow but I haven't finished marking them yet. Oops.

That's it. I'm worn out. I need to sleep.

a week in review

I find my thoughts increasingly dominated by volleyball. So I'll start there.

We had a good practice Monday but still lost on Tuesday. Man, they just weren't playing. Wednesday was more eventful. First of all, the team captain missed the bus. So he had to scramble and get one of the seniors to drive him. Plus, we got our first win. By the skin of our teeth. Best of three - we were up 9-0 in the third, let them come back till it was 12-9 and we won 15-13 in the third. Yikes. But you would have thought we just won the national title, they were so excited. I also got to coach the seniors because Peter couldn't make it. So much easier. They know what's going on, and frankly, I could have said nothing and done nothing and they still would have won. On the bus home, I asked the junior boys what they learned by watching the senior boys. "So-and-so can hits the ball really hard." "So-and-so jumps really high." Cute but I wished they would have learned something. Although one kid was very perceptive. He asked if coaching the seniors was easier and observed that the senior boys can and do play all positions in the back court.

Friday, we were at a tournament at Woburn all day. It would have been more fun if we had a few wins but alas, it was not meant to be. I might have been able to get us another win with better lineups but it was very important to me to get everyone playing time. Things will change from now on. Playing time is no longer automatic. I'm also going to play with a libero from here forward. I have one player who is very capable and aggressive in the back court but not very tall though still somewhat effective in the front court. I have two other players who are effective in the back court but not all there in the back court. Perfect.

But getting ready for Friday was not so good. I had a lesson planned for my 12U Physics class that involved going to the library with the supply teacher to use the computer lab and study the Physics simulations on a particular website. Well, if I didn't discover at 5:30 pm on Thursday that the website was down for repairs. Arg. Start all over. I didn't get out of the school till 8 pm, I think.

Friday night, I hung out with Kevin. My one condition was that we not do anything loud. I had just spent the day in a gym with over 100 15-year-old boys and referees with whistles. So we got takeout Chinese food and watched Robots. I wasn't very impressed. It was moderately entertaining but there wasn't much story and many scenes were unnecessarily frenetic. Anyway, I hadn't seen Kevin for a bit and it was good to catch up.

Saturday, I spent most of the day cleaning the apartment then we went uptown for the Thanksgiving dinner. Way too much food. I did a cheese tray, luckily, because there weren't any other appetizers and dinner got started pretty late. I did the cheese tray because it was popular the last time I brought it and it takes next to no effort to produce.

Sunday was a great day of slacking off. Lots of Geography Olympics. Steak for dinner. Yummy.

mostly volleyball

Yikes, it has been two workweeks and three weekends since my last post.

The day after my last post, I went to my old stomping grounds, the U of T athletic centre, to watch our senior boys play in a volleyball tournament. I even ate at BBQues for lunch. Watching them play was pretty fun. I don't think that they were happy with their results, but I know that they got a lot out of it. I ran into Jeff Chung, who is now the head coach of the U of T men's program, and Mark Dunn, who got roped into helping out. They both look great but it seemed to me that Jeff wasn't as fresh-faced as I remember him. Since we're pretty much the same age, I guess I'm not so fresh-faced anymore either.

Later in the week, Peter (head of Phys. Ed.) phoned up to the Physics office and got me to come down and scrimmage with him and the senior boys' team. Well, I haven't played for almost nine years. I was very nervous. Not so much about hurting myself as about embarrassing myself. and then I was embarrassed about feeling embarrassed. I didn't even want to warm up my hitting. The net is much higher than women's. I did manage to hit a ball or two, served in, and did some of great passing and digging - I was always a terrible passer, although I know that this is all in your head. The boys were very supportive, congratulating me on cracking a ball or two and on stuff-blocking Matthew Lezon. That was very rewarding. Terrific fun. Maybe I'll go back and find a way to play again. Or maybe just coaching is enough.

That night I went out for dinner with Rob, Rebecca, and Kevin before they went out for a movie. That's all I remember from that weekend. I don't remember anything from the next weekend either.

This past week, we had our first league games. Our record is 0-2 but I think that we've played well anyway. I'm quite pleased with how a couple of things are progressing. We miss VERY few serves. We probably served out five or six times in six close sets, that is, about 120 serves. And they usually play aggressively - almost always trying for three contacts but sometimes hoping that the serve goes to someone else.

I went with a friend from school, Beth, the other half of Phys. Ed., to her cottage this weekend. It was glorious weather and I enjoyed myself immensely. I even like her dogs, both beagles. I really do. Keleb is an older mellow guy and Sheba a younger hyper gal. We chatted and read and played some Scrabble. We played two games and Peter tells me I was rude for beating her twice at her own cottage. The first game was close till I got "zest" on the triple word score with a valuable cross-word, "sharks" also. Then, as luck would have it, I bingoed on my first turn of the second match. I suggest we start over because "thunders", across two double-words, gave me 98 points. Probably my highest score ever. Beth didn't want to start over though. Not surprisingly, I won but surprisingly, I have been invited back.

BOOKS. I have finished The Big Bang. I definitely recommend it to people interested in science in general or physics in particular. I signed out The Catcher in the Rye from the library and finished it on the weekend. I definitely enjoyed it although I wouldn't put it in my top 10. It's a good pick though because it's a well-known work (cultural currency) and it's a short, easy read. The edition I read had about 270 pages. I picked it because it was mentioned by my dentist on Thursday.

TV. I was irritated with CTV for moving So You Think You Can Dance to Saturday. So, of course I missed it. I'm going to go check the website right now to find out what happened. Whoa. Kamilah gone, sure, but Blake gone! Surprising. As I said on Becky's blog: Jamile's solos may be to-die-for, but even his hip-hop partner dancing isn't great and anything else is mediocre, at best. He should have gone home a long time ago. I guess Nick and Blake split the vote for the guy who can actually dance the best.