One of my volleyball players told me yesterday that he'll date any type of girl but he's going to marry someone from Afganistan, as he is. Besides his mom would kill him if he didn't.
Where does that sit ethically?
Is it racist for his parents to insist that he marry a girl from Afganistan? I think it depends on the details of their motivation for it. But on the face of it, I don't think it's necessarily racist.
Would it have been racist for my parents to insist that I marry a white man? I think blatantly so.
Double-standard? absolutely. The world is subtle. Equality is not treating everybody the same.
Also, there must be a tipping point in the middle, right? How many generations?
Another example. Racist for whites to use the n-word? absolutely. Racist for blacks? I'd say no. Is it "good" for black people to use the n-word? not good but not racist either, IMHO.
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6 comments:
what's the n-word?
Seriously though, this could just be semantics, but I think the example of the guy who "has to" marry a girl from Afganistan is racist... is it wrong... that's a harder question.
I certainly understand that there are many good reasons for marrying someone who has a similar family background to you (it will be easier for your families to relate to each other, fewer cultural misunderstandings, possibly language barriers don't become an issue). But is it racist, I say yes. Is it wrong? I think that is really up to the individual.
I know that my wife's parents probably would have preferred she had married someone from a Chinese or Taiwanese background... are my inlaws racist? Sure. Do I think it's bad? No, once they got to know me and find out that I was (self-deprication aside) a decent person, my race didn't matter. Now if I were exact same person I am, but me and my family were chinese, they would probably think that was better.
All that being said, really my parents are really just the same, but my family's culture is, for the most part, the dominant culture in this part of the world, so it's not really as big an issue.
Karen, didn't you once tell me that your parents encouraged you to find someone of another race?
Sheesh - tough question. On the whole I would say that I agree with Kevin. It is racist anytime you segregate based on race. But, as Kevin says, there certainly are many good reasons to stick with someone who is and whose families are culturally compatible.
I also think that my perspective on race is a bit unusual. Whenever the topic comes up I typically have a weird perspective. For example, I really never think of myself as being one-half of a mixed-race couple unless someone else points it out. Travelling in Newfoundland with two other mixed-race couples would have received zero thought from me were it not for the fact that others noticed that we were "noticed". And, although it may sound offensive to some, it is not offensive to my husband when I say that I consider us to be culturally the same.
Clearly - race issues are different for me than for many. And my opinions are likely strongly related to my experiences - almost all of which have been positive.
As an interesting side note -- I was speaking with someone last night who also went to Newfoundland this summer. She's got dark skin, brown eyes, dark hair and so do her brothers who she travelled with. She was born and raised in Canada and her English is impecable. But -- she claims that the entire time they were in Newfoundland that they received poor service by the people there because of their race, that rude and racist comments were made to them, and that they were made to feel unwelcome.
And as for parents -- my mum seemed to have been influenced by race issues in her childhood (kids she knew who were of mixed-race had a hard time). She and my nana once told me that it was fine if I married a Jewish guy, 'cause the Jews are just the same as us but I shouldn't marry a black guy or a middle-eastern guy or south-east asian because it would be too hard on the kids. Chinese guys were ok because they're smart, they work hard, and white/chinese mixed kids are cute: according to my parents. And of course, all of this was said many years before I brought a Chinese guy home to meet the folks.
I'm surprised this has only generated two comments (okay... three now)
I personally think it's wrong for parents too insist on ANYTHING as far as who there child marries. Certainly there are challenges involved in marrying somebody of a different race, or nationality, or age, or religion, or height, or any number of other factors, but I feel very strongly that it's up to the couple to balance these factors as best they can (with input from family and friends) and make a decision.
Is it racist? Certainly. Is it wrong? I think so. Often done with the best of intentions, of course. The WORST intentions, I think, are those parents who make such an insistence because they are trying to perpetuate a culure/race/religion, and fear it will be "lost" in a mixed marriage. Of course, I could just be saying that because I grew up in Toronto, the first generation of my family born in Canada, never had much contact with my extended family or my parents' culture, and have absolutely no sense of obligation to history or tradition (and kinda like it that way).
My mother once told me I should marry a Jamaican, so they'd be able to cook food I like. She then very quickly reassured me that she was only joking. :)
I have also heard the argument that when a culture is perceived to be endangered, such as aborignal cultures or jewish culture, that members have an obligation to marry within their culture in order to preserve it. I met one person who stongly felt this way; this was a jewish guy who I used to work with. He was intent on marrying a Jewish girl, and was absolutely clear about the fact that he would impose the same rule on his children.
I disagree with his line of thinking (as it turns out, there were many things upon which we disagreed) but I do admit that neither my ancestral nor adoptive culture are in danger of disappearing, and I may simply not understand.
On the whole, I think Karen's student is expressing racist views, and that it is not right. I would not sling stones, though, because he and I are not that different.
hey
Not sure if anybody is paying attention to this so late in the game... but since I just read it... I'll comment.
First of all, I don't think that anybody using any word is automatically racist; context matters. A while back I read a book named "Nigger" (yes, the author was definitley looking for publicity by controversy), and given the context of this book (origin of the word and racism in US) it would have been silly for any conversation with friends that followed to call it the "N-word" book. I guess it comes down to intent and context to determine where and when offensive words are acceptable.
In regards to racism, I think that there are many things which are racist by the strict definition of the word... but nonetheless are not wrong or bad. I know many people who have distinct racial preferences in their romantic attractions... and i wouldn't call them racist in the negative sense, anymore than I would call heterosexuals and homosexuals sexist in the negative sense. In general I would say that something is racist in the negative sense when decisions are made which take account of race where race has little to no bearing. Also, I think that the further removed from the individual the racism is, the more likely it is to be racism in the negative sense. That is, parents forcing a child to marry a specific race are most likely more in the wrong than an individual genuinely attracted to a particular race... moreso a society which forces all its members to act that way.
However, in the case of your student, it isn't race per se that is the factor, but ethnicity... which incorporates both race and culture. In general these two factors are tightly woven together, but not so in immigrant nations like Canada. I think culture can be a fairly difficult thing to bridge in a relationship, whereas race can be easily bridged when the physical attraction is there. In the case of your student, if he is a first generation Canadian, and moreso if he moved to Canada recently, he may very well have valid reasons for settling down with someone from a different background; without negative connotations to those reasons.
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